Week 71

Kanye could not risk betraying the doctor. Better to continue with his lie and hope for the best than to admit to it now.

No,” Kanye answered, giving Kissinger the same face he used on Kim when she asks if he still talks to his ex-girlfriends.

“Like I said, the tiger nurse jumped out the window and the other nurse ran away. She was probably paparazzi, they’re always following me.”

“Your assurances don’t reassure me,” said Cheney. “For your sake, I hope you are telling the truth,” he snarled menacingly through his mask.

“Enough,” said the Red Tsar. “We have other business to attend to. We will accept your story as true, Yeezy, but you failed us nonetheless.

“There are consequences for failure, but the they will be mitigated because of the information you have provided about Mantis’s forces.

“For the next year you will wear only Ed Hardy shirts, pleated khakis or cargo pants, and either Crocs or sandals with black socks.”

Kanye grimaced. “That’s not even normcore. But fuck it, I can make that work.” He nodded in assent. “Your punishment is just, Putrid One.”

“Yes, it is.” The Red Tsar was about to move on, but then turned back to Kanye as if remembering a minor detail. “And you’ll be castrated.”

Yeezy was dumbstruck, while Cheney stifled a laugh. “Moving on,” said the Red Tsar, “The Lord of the Sleeping Menace will give his report.”

All the Order members—except Kanye, who was staring forlornly at his crotch—turned to face George Takei. “Thank you, sir,” he said.

“In his house at R’lyeh, dead Cthulhu waits dreaming. The time of his slumber, however, is drawing to a close. This we all know.

“The high priests of his cult live deep in the Tian Shan mountains, and we have spies who have infiltrated their camp.

“The priests are waiting for a sign. Cthulu speaks to them in dreams, and will announce when and how to raise sunken R’lyeh from the sea.

“It’s still unclear when the signal will come, but our spies say the intensity and frequency of the priests’ visions have been increasing.

“It is only conjecture, but they expect the signal within the next year, maybe within the next few months. We have very little time.”

“We should attack the priests!” Byan Khan interjected. “Kill them all. Slay every cult member wherever they hide, and end this!”

“I could arrange for this cult to be put on the Disposition Matrix,” said Cheney. “A few cruise missiles, and no one’s left to free Cthulu.”

“Or just take them quail hunting,” quipped Kanye bitterly, trying to regain some dignity after learning he would be losing his manhood.

“No,” said the Red Tsar. “Cult members are merely symptoms. We must strike at the source of this disease. We will remove the tumor itself.

“Mantis’ ship will be here soon. We will trick the Hive into attacking R’lyeh, destroying Cthulu before he awakens.” “Oh my,” said Takei.

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